i’m a dreamer; and a very lazy man

been meaning to write this post for weeks now

My entire life is sitting on the back-burner,
i’ve fallen into a rabbit-hole of sudden ability
to entertain my apathy,
and i’ve succumbed to the sensation
whole-heartedly.

Time passes as a series of pipe-dreams,
passion bursting into ephemeral flame
to paint moments rich in meaning,
so far away, and fading
as i trace their shape into memory
to be preserved with all the other artifacts
of dreams untested.

i suspect it was during puberty that my messianic complex first took form, growing wings in the strange isolation of my youth, finding nutrition in the fertile fields of human misery which has been our lucky-lot to witness as ’survivors’ of these modern times.

I find myself standing off in the wings,
shaking my head in disgust
(at myself as much as others)
as i watch society twisting,
claiming its frenzy as dance.

i wasn’t raised in any church, but i was brought up in such a way that i’ve wound up exceedingly spiritual, sadly without a concrete set of symbols to provide that solace, that opiate that seems to be the hallmark of organized religion, a certain salve which ranks high amongst those things i am envious of in my more despondent moments.

instead, i am left with whatever innate gifts i have been granted as a human, left to consider the evidence concerning ‘good and evil’ and craft my own judgments with a mind left precariously open.

If you can enjoy the comedy of the convoluted,
that mad-cap absurdist theater
which is the end result of flawed convictions
carried to the extreme . . .
Humans are hilarious.

All the more lovable for our frailties,
because they always seem to be born of passion
and anyone who has known passion
must admit that it is a part of our nature,
and indispensable.

history is littered with lives that changed everything, just look at jesus before the council of nicaea put those provisions on his human form.

i turn twenty-nine this month and, from a popular perspective, it’d be very easy to make the case that i have nothing good going on in my life right now.

It gets awful lonely
when you’re alone with your dreams
and they all feel so insubstantial,
far-fetched products of egotism
and pain.

i don’t want to be famous, i don’t want to be rich, if you were to distill the essence of my fondest wishes, it’s really quite simple, all i want is a life that allows me to stay alive, have a little fun, and go to bed at night feeling like i’ve accomplished something good for the world at large.

it would be so much easier if i wanted the trappings of earthly delights, the paths to those objectives are clearly defined, our culture is geared to create people seeking salvation as it is to be found in money and all that it can buy.

So i keep putting everything off,
waiting for that clear sign,
waiting for my moment,
watching a thousand iterations
of what could be the magic moment
pass me by.

I want that certainty,
which is the most terrible pipe-dream
of them all,
i want to know that it will work,
but certainty is never coming,
and the world will spin just fine
without me.

all i’m left with is that small glowing center, the need, the moral imperative that keeps fucking with my head, crying out for action that i’m unsure how to take, it leaves me scared and shiftless, tunneling into diversions and dreaming of half-formed things.

And now i’ve wasted
another set of hours
that could have been used
to get me where i need to go,
instead of crafting excuses
for why i’m not already there.

(audio enjoyment provided by TV on the Radio, from their album Desperate Youth, Bloodthirsty Babes)

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 14th, 2006 at 4:01 pm and is filed under indiscriminate, philosophy, poetry, music. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.